I will be a Light unto the world. <body>
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Friday, September 10, 2004




church by neville nah

she walked into the church and gazed upon the huge cross set against a beautiful mosaic of stained glass. upon the cross hung Jesus, a pained look on his face.

" he mourns not for himself, but for the fate of man " she remembered her pastor saying once.

she moved to the front and sat down on a pew, closing her eyes to pray. perhaps it was the serenity of the place that collided with the chaos in her heart. she started to cry. she then felt a hand upon her shoulders, but it was unlike any other hand. instead of adding its own weight upon her, the hand seemed to alleviate some of the burden that her heart and battered soul carried. she wiped away her tears and looked up to the face that she knew could only belong to.

" God? "

" yes. "
" what are you doing here? "
" well, the last i checked, this was the house of the Lord. " God smiled.

she smiled back.

" nietzsche said you were dead, that we killed you. "
" and yet here I am. "

" do you have something you want to tell me, child? "
" dun you already know? "
" of course i do. "
" then why do you still ask? "
" because sometimes speaking about the problem provides for a vent, an outlet which might exactly be what is required to move along. "
" is it considered blasphemous for me to record all this down later? "
" why would it be? "
" because people wun believe that i actually spoke to you and they might think that i am making all this up. "
" that is the same fate the bible suffered once too. "
" but i dun intend to write a new chapter to the bible. "
" i know you dun, and conversations are personal things. this one is between you and me. if both you and i know and hold it to be true, then it does not matter what anyone else thinks. "
" so its alright for me to write it down? "
" people have printed books and made millions writing about their conversations with me. "

she looked down at her hands shifting her gaze to the floor, where her tears lay, gleaming in their own insignificant pools yet holding in them the infinite nature of her grief.

" can I ask you something? "
" anything. "
" do you think its worth going after something that you know will eventually end? "
" of course. "
" but why? the fact that you know it will eventually end makes the whole effort seem so pointless and redundant. "
" do you think that you should have been born unto this earth in the first place? "
" yes of course,although i think otherwise sometimes. "
" and you think this way even though you know that you will eventually die? "

she smiled.

" everything in this world has a beginning and an end, its the middle portion that is indeterminate. some things last for a fraction of a second, others seem to last forever. but regardless of the time spanned, it is the experience of the process that makes living it out worth it. you dun gain anything from beginnings and ends, but only from what lies in between them. "

" and if we make mistakes in between? "
" then you will learn from them "
" what if we make mistakes that we know we should not make?"
" then you will learn from them more "
" what if we make the same mistake again? "
" then you will learn from it yet again "

" and what will you do? "
" i will forgive. "

she cried.

and she cried out loud.

" GOD! stop it, please! why do you do this to us, to me? how can you promise us your infinite grace and your mercy as we sin before your very eyes? how can you expect me to be unto you when you are perfect and i am flawed? how can you expect me to understand you, God, when i am only human? "

" does this cause you much grief? "
" it makes my life almost unbearable "

and there was a moment of silence between them as they looked to the front, at the cross that hung before the mosaic.

she sniffed and wiped away her tears.

" dun you think its very unfair? "
" that the perfect man died for imperfect men? "

" why dun you give us direct straightforward answers God? "
" because you dun give me direct straightforward questions. "
" and yet you love us still, for all our idiosyncrasies, for all our wavering doubts, for all our false hopes and for all our blasphemy. "
" well believe it or not, i made you. "

and she smiled again.

" why do you choose to preach through the mouths of fallible humans? why dun you appear before the masses as you have before me now and tell them the truth the way you meant for it to be told.? you might even get more believers that way. "
" i did once. and look what happened. "

she followed his eyes back onto the cross and saw the vacuum in his eyes. eyes which drew everything into them, sin and sinner. and yet eyes which reflected none of those back onto them. and there they sat till the end, not saying another word, for the blanks and empty spaces between them need never be filled because they both knew what laid within.

life, as it was. with its suspense and its surprise. with its good and its evil. with its beginning and its end.

and everything in between.




"You are the light of the world. let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven."
Matthew 5:14,16

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